Wait, I'm Not Invincible?

I've been keeping really busy today, but somehow have found that there's still been plenty of time for reflection. I'm attempting to write everything out in the hopes that by the end of it I will stop feeling sorry for myself and be thankful to God for what I do have.

After a visit to the doctor yesterday, my invincibility cloak (bad Harry Potter pun/metaphor) has slipped off my shoulders. Finally, after almost four years, I have a plausible diagnosis of a chronic pain in my lower left abdomen. August 28th, 2005 - I lugged a much-too-heavy suitcase upstairs and shortly afterward was doubled up in pain on my bed. I waited as long as I could stand it before I went to see a doctor. I had a CT scan done and a pelvic ultrasound. No hernia or other obvious answer for the pain showed up. The doctor I was seeing happened to have endometriosis herself and decided that's what I had as well. She told me that she had never been able to have kids because she had waited too long. She went on to mention that if I wanted to have kids, I'd better start trying now before the disease progressed farther because "it could take you five years to get pregnant... if you're lucky!"

Jake and I discussed it. We weren't sure we were ready. We had been together over six years, but we had just gotten married in June, and Jake had just had brain surgery in July! Did we want to take the risk of bringing a kid into this world in the midst of all these big things? But we decided that yes, we did want kids, and if it might take years to get pregnant, we were willing to give it a shot.

The next month, I was pregnant. What happened to five years? A couple of days before Thanksgiving, I had a miscarriage. Thinking at first that the miscarriage could have been because of the supposed endometriosis, we waited six months and tried again. Within a month, I was pregnant again. So much for endometriosis. But then, the pain practically disappeared during my pregnancy. I had a few "episodes" as I called them, but nothing that lasted too long. Huh, I thought. Maybe it was endometriosis. But the pain didn't really return after Parker was born. If it did, it was little episodes like I had during my pregnancy that I didn't worry about.

Then, about a month ago, the pain came back full force. Sometimes it felt like it did that first night and the pain was so bad I almost wanted to cry. Other times it was more mellow, and then sometimes there would be almost a whole day without pain. But it always started up again.

I had recently started eating peanut butter again after laying off of it for awhile because it made me feel blah, and I thought maybe the pain was a strange reaction to peanut butter. I kept a food journal, and it seemed as though it were possible. I stopped eating peanut butter and within a few days the pain was gone. Then I ate it to test it out. The pain returned six hours later! I thought maybe, just maybe, I had found the answer. But after stopping the peanut butter completely, I still had a few more episodes. Darn.

I gave in and made an appointment to see my doctor (a different one - I had stopped seeing the other kooky doctor long ago). About five days before my appointment, the pain pretty much went away again and didn't return. Even so, I decided to keep the appointment.

I discussed all of this with the doctor and he had me lay down with my knees up and started pressing on my abdomen. He found the spot, but it really didn't seem to hurt all that much. Then he told me to put my legs straight up in the air as he was pressing down on my side. What? I tried to barely lift one foot and pain shot throughout my abdomen. My face turned red with effort, I gave up and I told him I couldn't do it. The doctor gave me a triumphant grin (sometimes I really can't stand that guy) and told me that it was my abdominal wall.

He said I had probably strained it or torn my abdominal wall when I was lifting the luggage, but not enough to cause a hernia (hence why they didn't see anything with the ultrasound). He said that the pain now could be from scar tissue from not healing well, or I re-injured the area. Either way, he said, there's not much that can be done except to rest it, ice and heat it, and take anti-inflammatory drugs like Ibuprofen when I feel the pain. He said that, just as some people have "trick knees," I'd done some permanent damage and would probably have to deal with this the rest of my life. The only other thing they might be able to do if I don't get the pain under control is give me a cortisone shot in the area. He said we'd wait a month to see how things go before attempting that.

I left the office feeling surprisingly elated. This is an answer that makes sense! And I don't have to have any more tests! Sweet! I was a little bit in pain after the unplanned calisthenics on the doctor's table, but it didn't seem like anything I couldn't handle. Later in the afternoon, bam - the pain hits me full force again. There went my joy.

Today, even after taking the recommended double-dose of Ibuprofen, the pain still hasn't completely gone away and I'm playing the blame game. I'm always injuring myself because I tend to act like I'm invincible. I think I forget sometimes that I'm 5 feet tall, 100 pounds (OK give [not take] 5 pounds or so) and not Wonder Woman.

About 8 or 9 years ago, I moved an office desk all by myself because I wanted it in a different area. The very next day, I had a sharp pain all the way down my left leg that made it nearly impossible for me to walk. An advice nurse told me over the phone that I probably had a slipped disc in my back and it was pinching on my nerve. Oops. It took a really long time to heal from that episode.

You'd think I'd have learned from that, right? No, not really. A few years ago I tried moving a whole bunch of heavy boxes in the storage area at work and ended up hurting my wrist. That is an injury that still acts up once in awhile.

Then last year I injured my back again when my 11 year-old 80-pound neighbor surprised me and jumped on my back. Instead of making her get down right away, I stupidly tried to carry her and ended up straining my lower back. Again, I had to rest it to heal. Not really easy seeing as how I still had to carry Parker around everywhere. I tried to be good, but I couldn't stop carrying him completely. I mean, he wasn't even two at the time.

And now, Ms. Big Shot thought that she could start a workout regimen without consulting her doctor first. Today was supposed to be my last day of my training program before trying the 100 push-ups and 200 squats in a row (I was a few weeks behind on the crunches so not quite there yet). I'm bummed that it appears I can't finish my goal. I was so close!

I'm beginning to realize that I have limitations and I often over-do it because... well, I think I just don't want to admit to myself that I can't do anything and everything. No wonder the Bible touches on pride. Well, God, today my pride has been knocked down a couple of notches. That's probably a good thing. Maybe I needed this as a reminder that I still have a lot of things left to learn. I haven't been using "common sense and sound judgment." Proverbs 3:21.

Today Parker was unusually loud and hyper everywhere we went, loving all the attention he was getting from people. He was uncommonly adventurous and wanted to climb a rock wall at the playground all by himself. Actually, he wanted to climb everything at the park and to try jumping off of things. I felt terrible because he finally was being brave enough to attempt these things and here I was asking him not to go up certain things because of the pain I was in. I knew that I wouldn't be able to guide him or be able to keep him from getting hurt. It was a reminder to me that if I want to be able to keep up with this kid in the future, I had better take care of myself now and let people help me more often instead of stubbornly trying to do things by myself.

I do feel better now (emotionally anyway), especially after spending some time reading the Bible and finding the verses below. Thank you, God, for everything you've done and please forgive me for feeling sorry for myself! I know everything happens for a reason and this, too, shall pass.
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"Too much pride can put you to shame. It's wiser to be humble." Proverbs 11:2

"I have made everything; that's how it all came to be. I, the Lord, have spoken. The people I treasure most are the humble - they depend only on me and tremble when I speak." Isaiah 66:2

"We don't have the right to claim that we have done anything on our own. God gives us what it takes to do all that we do." 2 Corinthians 3:5

Message From Dada

It's been a rough Saturday. P woke up early soaked from head to toe in pee. I cleaned him and his bed up and tried to get him to go back to sleep, but my poor sick boy's cough was keeping him awake. Then, while eating breakfast, P had a huge coughing fit that caused him to throw up. My poor boy. :(

Dada not only had to go in to work today, but he had to go in early. Parker was delighted to find that Dada had left him a special note. Here's a video of Parker reading it:

Thank you, Dada! You helped brighten our day. We love you. :O*

(FB users click on View Original Post to see video)

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"Jesus said to his disciples: I tell you not to worry about your life! Don't worry about having something to eat or wear. Life is more than food or clothing. Look at the crows! They don't plant or harvest, and they don't have storehouses or barns. But God takes care of them. You are much more important than any birds." Luke 12:22-24

Thankful Thursday: Changes

This past week has been all about change for me. I'm so grateful for the responses, advice, and words of encouragement I received from family and friends after last Thursday's post. I felt a change come over me as soon as I wrote it and hit that "publish" button, but it wasn't until reading all your emails and posts that I truly let go and let all the emotions and stress come out in a really good cry.

I have been pulling patience from every corner of my body this week while taking care of Parker. I have surprised even myself that I've done as well as I have because he has been needier and crankier than ever! He went four days in a row without a good nap. Jake's parents took him on Friday night for us, but the timing was difficult and I tried to give him an early nap but it didn't work. We ended up leaving for their place around his usual nap time and he had a little cat nap on the way to their place, but that was it. Saturday he wouldn't nap for Jake's folks, but he at least got some quiet time in his crib. Sunday we visited my friend Christine in San Bernardino, and Monday I had a doctor's appointment during his usual nap time (again, an early quite /nap time didn't go over so well). While he did surprisingly well during those days, going to bed early wasn't cutting it and he was starting to wake up earlier and earlier every day. By Tuesday, I was dealing with a very tired boy. His eyes even had dark circles under them. We didn't go anywhere that day (except on a little walk around our neighborhood) and he took a much needed solid two hour nap. Yesterday he went down for his nap late because we got caught in the rain and it made everything take longer, but at least he eventually slept, even though it was very apparent when he woke that he needed more sleep and I think he would have slept more if I let him. I didn't though because it was already 4:15 PM.

I mention all of this because considering it, if all of this had happened a few weeks ago, I would have been stressed to the max about Parker not getting enough sleep. But this week, while I have worried about it a little (I'm not going to lie) I didn't really feel anxious or stressed about it like I normally would. I just put it in my head that sometimes we'll have busy weeks like this and there's not much we can do about it and as long as I didn't try to put him through it every day, we would eventually get past this hump. At least I do know for sure now that he is not ready to give up his nap /quiet time as I feared. He definitely still needs quiet time every day and a nap on at least some of those days.

Going back to Monday's doctor appointment, I'm also very grateful to have been referred to this new endocrinologist. At first I thought it was silly of my doctor to refer me since my Graves disease has been treated in the past already and all that really has to be done now is monitor my thyroid levels and change medication levels as necessary. But now I realize it was a blessing. The endocrinologist seemed to know more about how thyroid dysfunction could be affecting other things in my body and that the symptoms I've been having were probably not solely a result of my medication levels being off. He had me do some more blood work a few weeks ago and I got the results on Monday. It turns out I have a mild case of iron deficiency anemia, which I discovered through WebMD can be brought on by hypothyroidism. It can cause fatigue, insomnia, and racing heart (all of which I've had but thought it was solely thyroid related). I also have a vitamin D deficiency, which does not 'cause any real immediate side effects, but can lead not only to your body not absorbing calcium, but potentially lead to heart problems and auto immune disorders (mostly diabetes). I think he mostly just checked that because studies lately have shown that over half of Americans are deficient in Vitamin D, and younger women are especially at risk since we tend to wear sunscreen more than men. In any case, both of those things are fairly easy to fix and even just after a few days of taking iron supplements I've noticed I've been feeling better and have had less heart symptoms and have been sleeping better (when I do sleep, that is). I also had the energy to exercise a couple of times this week (although my back protested a little).

The other major thing I'm grateful for this week is an ever increasing closeness to God. I have gone through quite a few years without the same faith I used to have. In the beginning of college, I was very spiritual. I hung out with other Christians and studied the Bible a lot. Then I met people (good people) who were not Christians who started planting seeds of doubt in me. I mean, it is hard for me to believe that so many good people who do not believe in God will not go to Heaven. I still can't really accept that idea. Then there are the judgments and wars and overall terrible things that people have done in the name of God that just turned me off. The final thing that turned me away from Church and organized religion was the hypocrisy of the church members. The last time I went to a church service, a couple of women behind me spent the entire service talking, just about every day things, like it was no big deal. I was so upset I never went back. I never really stopped believing in God, but not reading my Bible, praying and spending time with other Christians has led to some serious lack of spirituality and balance.

I realize now how unhappy I've been without that spirituality. What has changed? Most of you will probably be very surprised. It's kind of a long story, but one day I let in a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses who had been coming to my door frequently with pamphlets and showing me passages from the Bible. I treated them at first as many people do. I avoided them like the plague. But when they did catch me, they were very nice and pretty soon these women wore down my shield and I asked them to come in. What I've discovered since then has really surprised me. I had always thought that Jehovah's Witnesses were like a weird cult with strange beliefs that didn't follow Christianity. What I've discovered is that they are not like that at all. In fact, I had many difficult questions for them and they had an answer for all of them, directly from the Bible. They seem to have a huge knowledge of the Bible. They study it and try to pass the message along. Here are some things that are different from other Christian groups: 1) They do not believe in praying to a cross or using a cross as a symbol. It is actually a pagan symbol (anyone who's read The Da Vinci Code knows this) and it is almost like worshiping an idol. 2) They call God Jehovah because it is the most ancient Biblical name that was given to God. 3) They believe Jesus is God's son and appointed king, but they don't believe Jesus is God or at the same level as God and showed me Bible passages where Jesus has stated this himself. After learning all of this about them, my original judgment has been altered. So now, every Tuesday, a couple of women drop by and we study the Bible. These women are normal, caring, loving people. I was surprised by their warmth and friendliness and I feel like I've finally come across some "real" people. It is especially surprising knowing all the rejection they face all the time.

I have been hesitant to admit all of this to many people because I know the stigma that's attached to Jehovah's Witnesses (and even my dear hubby gives me a really hard time about it), but I thought since I'm getting free Bible study from them and encouragement to read my Bible again, it would only be fair to give them credit and let people know that they aren't the freaks people make them out to be (I guess anyone who doesn't believe in God would still consider them freaks, but anyone who does should know that they're not bad cult-like people!) This seemed like really good timing because I've been considering joining MOPS for awhile (which is a Bible study / talk group for "Mothers of Preschoolers"), but the cost to attend was surprisingly high. I have a renewed peace in my heart feeling like I have found a treasure again that I lost long ago.

Updates and Reflections

We have been busy bees since Thursday and I haven't had much time to sit at the computer (I promise ya'll I will read and return your emails soon!). I'm making a little time here and there today to work on this blog since I have to ice my back periodically anyway. I've been doing pilates again and have had no problem with my lower back ligament until today when Parker and I were reading Mother Goose Rhymes and doing "This is the Way the Ladies Ride" amongst other active songs/rhymes. I wasn't as careful as I should have been bouncing him around on my knees and lifting him up and down. Oops.

Parker Likes Pilates, Too!

This past week has been mixed with blessings and trials. Parker has pretty much decided that he's done napping (I'm still hoping it's just a phase, I mean, he's not even two yet). So I've been trying to implement quiet time at least so I can get a "lunch" break. He has been very good about it and will play and sing in his crib but rarely will actually fall asleep. If he never falls asleep and starts getting antsy before an hour is up, I go in there and set up a timer with the remaining time left so he has a reference, but today, for example, he played in there for an hour and 15 minutes and never cried once. It is nice that when he doesn't fall asleep he doesn't go through the weird afternoon moodiness and tantrums, plus he falls asleep much easier at night and usually sleeps a little longer to make up for it.

Friday morning Parker and I spent a few hours in Dana Point (blog with pics on that to come later). Friday night and Saturday were fun family time...

For Example:

Playing "Drums" With Dada

... along with getting some chores done. I had to get an oil change for my car, so we put the car seat in Jake's truck so that he could take us home and not have to sit there for a couple of hours. The only way it would fit properly was facing forward with the base off, so after all that work rearranging the thing, we decided to just go ahead and keep Parker facing forward now even in my car. He loves it. He sits in the middle and gets to watch everything going on. He likes to say "green light go!" "yellow light slow..." "red light, stop!"

Sunday we dropped Parker off at Grandma and Grandpa Munns' house for a sleep over and Jake and I went to Jenny and Steve's house for dinner and adult conversation! Jenny is an old co-worker and friend of mine. We are thinking of taking a big leap into home ownership within the next year and Steve has agreed to help us out with our search, all while doing his regular job and working on Pepperdine's MBA program! Jenny is also working and completing her nursing degree. What a busy couple!

Monday I met up with a couple of old friends from high school (Christine and Sara) while Jake got the condo to himself and finally got to spend some quality time working on recording more music. I had so much fun catching up with Sara and Christine. I hadn't seen Sara in probably ten years! Fortunately Christine and I have had the opportunity to get together a few times since then, but it's never enough. It's interesting to see the different paths we've taken in life and how much we've grown up (but not aged - no never that), yet each of us still seems to have the same personality/roles we had in high school. It's good to see some things never change and we love each other for who we are, through thick and thin, good and bad, and all that mushy stuff. I can't wait to meet up with them again!

Today Parker and I watched a good portion of the inauguration ceremony. I can't believe how emotional it was for me. Now that I'm older, I appreciate more what kind of history I'm living in today and I am hopeful that President Obama will make some positive changes to this wonderful country. I'm not sure Parker will remember this day, but I enjoyed celebrating the moment with him. He held his hand over his heart while the soldiers sang the National Anthem and I was so proud of him and our country.

Un-Thankful Thursday?

Happy New Year everyone! Ours started out quite miserably. Parker woke up even earlier than usual which, even though I was tired, wasn't too big of a deal since I had been awake for awhile after having a stressful dream and a racing heart that I couldn't seem to calm down. I got up and was incredibly hungry and cranky but couldn't eat because I had to wait an hour after taking my thyroid medication. Parker has been sick the last couple of days and even though he's often whiney, it just seemed magnified today and I couldn't handle it. Fortunately, Jake managed to drag himself out of bed early and save Parker from my wrath. I gave myself a time out and then came back out to eat. Once the food settled in me and my blood sugar rose to a more normal level, the jittery road rage settled down and I felt a little better, though still exhausted. I have been dreading doing this blog today because I've had a hard time feeling grateful about anything! Jake took down all our Christmas decorations and cards today and just seeing our place looking so bare made me feel depressed. I took Parker out for a spin on his new tricycle and getting some fresh air revitalized me a little and let me think more positively about the things that have happened this week. So, here are a few things I thought about that have helped me feel better about trying to finish off the day with a (slightly) better attitude.

1. I'm grateful that Jake has been home to help me take care of sick, extra needy, sleep-fighting Parker.
2. I'm grateful that I've gotten in a couple of much needed naps this week.
3. I'm grateful to have spent time with my family and that they traveled so far to see us.
4. I'm grateful that I have family and friends that always seem to forgive me when I go crazy.
5. I'm grateful that I've been humbled enough in the last couple of years to be able to accept help physically and financially that I would never have allowed myself to accept before.
6. I'm grateful that the computers at the parking lot of my doctor's office malfunctioned and I didn't have to pay for parking on Monday.
   
7. And last but not least, I'm grateful to live in an area that can bring beautiful weather even in January!
   

This Week's Adventures: Part 1

We've been keeping busy this week, starting it off with Parker's appointment with the Urologist on Monday. Fortunately, it looks like unless Parker starts having bladder infections, we won't have to do any further testing. The doc said that the next time Parker has an unexplained fever or a suspected ear infection, to make sure his doctor gets a urine sample as well, just to rule it out. Otherwise, the swelling is in an area that doesn't concern the doctor too much and if all goes well we'll just get another ultrasound in about a year to follow up.

Parker has been teething really badly this week (his 2 year molars are coming in already), and it's been affecting his naps, but we decided to try Ibuprofen again (it used to really upset his tummy) and it's been helping A LOT! So has Orajel and, strangely enough, one of his old toothbrushes. Most teethers can't reach in the back so I decided one day to give him an old toothbrush that is more rubbery than hard and it does bring him some relief. We just decided to buy The Teethifier, and we're hoping he'll like that, too. He hasn't used pacifiers in a long time, so it's hard to say for sure.

Parker's newest words: taco, black, purple, green, yellow, orange, apple, uh-oh, crackers, ball, chocolate, water, yummy, loco, wow (he's already been saying ow for a long time, so this wasn't a real stretch), bum-bum (our word for his butt). Speaking of bum-bum, there are some words that I completely forgot that he's been saying for a long time: Ears, eyes, nose, toes, and penis (sorry, but it's true). He's also been learning his alphabet and these are the letters he remembers the most and will point to and say without coaxing: "D," "N" (this is his favorite lately), "M", "O", "X", and "Z." In any case, Parker's language is really blossoming and we don't feel like he should need speech therapy. Whew! One less thing to have to schedule and worry about.

Anyone who has visited our place knows that Parker loves to color (he's working on filling up all our empty wall space with his pictures), but this week he has been hard core about it since I bought him washable markers. He thinks they are WAY cooler than crayons. Here are just a couple of his masterpieces from this week:

This one is crayon - done solo

This one is (obviously) marker
(a group effort from Parker, Mama and Dada)

This week's adventures part II to follow soon (once we get pics/videos uploaded from our camera) :)

Renal Ultrasound

Parker had his renal ultrasound done today. He was not a happy camper during the process, of course, but he was happy that he got a monkey sticker afterwards! He was tired after being held down for so long and took a good morning nap (but then no afternoon nap... what's a mama gotta do?). The doctor's office called a few hours later, which made Mama a little nervous because she wasn't expecting to hear anything for a couple of days. It turns out one of his kidneys does still have a potential problem because it is enlarged. He is being referred to an urologist where we'll get more information. For now, Mama and Dada are just trying not to worry and feel that probably this is something relatively common and if it had been 30 years ago before ultrasounds were around that it would have never been discovered and he'd go on through life just fine never knowing... after all, he does pee like a race horse so things seem to be working correctly! Will post an update when we have it.

Year and a Half!

Parker is a year and a half today. He and Mama met his new doctor today at his 18 month wellness check up and they both liked her a lot. She was very patient with Parker and he hardly fussed at all when she checked his ears (whew!). He usually screams like he's being tortured. Parker is growing well. He is just above average for height and just below average for weight. He is still gaining weight, but not as quickly as he is growing. He grew three inches in two and a half months!

Mama mentioned to the doctor that Parker had been grabbing at his diaper and whining over the last couple of days and tossing and turning a bit at night and the doctor checked him out and found the tiniest little yeast infection on his testicles. He's been itchy down there, poor little guy! He just finished taking antibiotics for another ear infection, so the good bacteria that keep the yeast down are probably low right now.

The doctor was a little concerned that Parker isn't using as many words as he used to when he was between 11 and 12 months, but believes it is only because he doesn't have to use them since he knows a lot of sign language. She recommended that Mama and Dada try to teach him one word a week using the same method as they've been doing with the sign language, which is to not let him have what he wants until he says it and deal with any ensuing tantrums. If that doesn't work, she gave Mama a referral to a free community organization that helps with speech therapy.

The last thing to report is that the doctor wanted a run-down of his health history and Mama mentioned that he had fluid in his kidneys in utero but it had been resolving on its own. Because Mama wasn't sure if he had ever had an ultrasound after he was born to verify all the fluid was gone, Parker's doctor decided it would be best to have a renal ultrasound done just to verify that all was completely clear.

Otherwise, Parker is doing well... all he has to do now is sleep better! No more excuses after this yeast infection clears up!

Another Fun Weekend

OK, so it wasn't all roses what with all three of our key players being sick, but they did manage to have some great moments this past weekend. Grandma and Grandpa Munns came over Saturday morning and everyone gathered at the pool. Erin decided to try to get some sun before jumping in the pool, but with that sunscreen slathered all over her, she didn't succeed much, if at all. Her only solace was that Jake was just as snowy as she was. After having a great lunch, Parker took his nap while the rest of the folks played cards. Then Grandma and Grandpa took Parker to Costco while Erin and Jake stayed home to relax a little. They all went out to dinner at Lone Star, but Parker was fussy and too wound up to eat. Fortunately, Grandpa rescued Parker (or was it everyone else?) and took him outside to explore while the rest of the family finished eating in peace.

On Sunday it was declared (without declaration) a stay-at-home-and-rest day. Although there was still a lot of cleaning, laundry and cooking throughout the day, there were still plenty of moments to just hang out and play. Parker was in heaven having Dada's full attention all day, giving Mama a much needed break to nap, read and have Mama "alone" time. Parker prefers playing with Dada as he is much more creative with the blocks. They came up with all sorts of new ways to use them, and Parker enjoyed the usual destruction of them as well, as portrayed in the first video below. Parker also created a new game with one of his toys - one from which Mama and Dada were not sure exactly what kind of pleasure he was getting, but at least they all got some laughs from it. Mama managed to catch the tail end of it on the second video below.